I hope you all had a chance to celebrate with loved ones, eat delicious food, and maybe drink one too many. I was in NYC (not Times Square) doing all of the above. It was amazing/ridiculous/beautiful/perfect. I might do a re-cap this week, I might not. We’ll see!
The past few days have been full of revelations so just wait for my Wednesday posts to be blowing up. ;) In the meantime, I wanted to share this intimate look into my last year.
Last week, Lissa shared the ups and downs of her year and asked us to do the same. I didn’t think I’d share it here but after some reflection (and less-than-ideal events) I think its time I came clean. So here goes: 2011 for me.
What went well
1) I (re)discovered my Inner Pilot Light and I started listening in. I became more authentic as a result, learning to follow my gut instead of my head. I learned to say no and to do me first so that I can better serve those in my life.
2) I took my yoga practice to a new level both on the mat and off. I am more present, more conscious of my breathing, and more in-tune with the true practice of yoga. I learned to be OK with modifying and to listen to and truly honor my body’s needs.
3) I clarified my goals and dreams, letting go of some that were no longer serving me (right now). I released my mistaken idea that the only way to heal is to become a doctor.
4) I discovered my own (inner) strength. When my grandma was rushed to the hospital just days before Christmas I knew that I would need to be a source of strength, clarity, and calm for my family members. I knew that I would have to step into a leadership role and that my family would be relying on me to translate med speak and navigate the hospital system. I stepped into the role fully and did a pretty darn good job of it!
5) I learned to stand up for myself and those around me. I stopped apologizing automatically for things that truly needed no apology (like calling my boss to ask a question and apologizing for “bugging” her…WHA?!). I explained to the hospital staff that I understood it was Christmas but that I had intelligent, relevant questions…the same questions they would be asking if their loved one was in a hospital where they had no connections and no privileges.
6) I learned to give thanks and ask for help. There were lots of tears involved. I asked for what I needed, be in fewer hours at work or to abstain from sex for a little while I worked on ME. I grew in my ability to EXPLAIN what I need as well (rather than simply ask for it).
7) I began facing challenges in a new way. After completing a movement workshop that pushed me to my physical limits, I learned to BREATHE through, to remain calm, and to reassure myself that this too will pass.
8) I connected with some amazing, beautiful individuals, some of whom I even had the chance to meet in person.
9) My cooking skills improved drastically. I am no longer chained to recipes as my understanding of flavors has developed. I can chop more efficiently, whip up something out of practically nothing, and no longer create only recipes that look awful but taste great. To that end, I was asked to be a recipe tester for the 3rd cookbook by an author I love!
10) I rediscovered my creative side. I began writing again for pleasure, starting a blog to chronicle my adventures. I bought a new camera and am having a blast learning about its additional features as I work my way towards a DSLR. And then there was that kitchen stuff!
11) I began living more minimally. I donated pounds upon pounds of clothes, reorganized my room, redecorated the house, and tossed/recycled things I no longer (and probably never really) needed.
12) I began couponing and discovered that I’m pretty darn good at it. I love the mental challenge and the fact that I CAN eat a plant-based, whole foods diet on a tight budget.
What didn’t go so well
1) I am still dealing with my hand/wrist injury which has affected all aspects of my life and health. I am still very much stuck in the dark narrow place with this as I try to learn what lessons I am supposed to be learning (besides the yoga stuff, see #2 above) and try to just release into the situation.
2) I am no longer happy in a job, despite the good work that I am doing and the fact that it pays the bills and gives me (decent and very necessary) health insurance. Being inside all day drains me
3) I’m still not 100% sure of what I want to do or what my purpose is. I know it involves healing and sexual empowerment/education but I’m not 100% sure how to develop it or present it to the world (see #4 below).
4) I am still very fearful. I worry how I will navigate this life as “an outsider” and if I’ll have the strength and patience to constantly be explaining and defending my decisions. I look forward with the nebulous idea of what I want to do and wonder why I couldn’t have been given an easier, less taboo path.
5) I have developed a huge sense of resentment and hurt around healthcare. This results from a combination of misguided care and its subsequent physical consequences and working in a clinic.
6) I have been to some dark dark places. This year I have experienced hopelessness, fatigue, despair, depression, zombie-ness, etc. I cried on the floors of hospital bathrooms, in my office, on my yoga mat, and in the arms of many. As a generally happy, optimistic person, these things scared the crap out of me!
7) My sex life is no longer what it used to be. As I struggle to come to terms with my physical ailments, I also struggle with feeling good about myself. The gremlin reared its head over and over again with regards to my worth and physical self.
8) I am still a procrastinator with a to-do list a mile long. I’m still working on choosing the pain of discipline and seeing the bigger picture and getting out of the instant gratification mindset.
Later I’ll be sharing my 2012 intentions which I set on fire last night (literally…I wrote them down and burned them).
Hint: #1 is to release to the Universe.