“Suffering is optional. Joy is a choice.”
Janetha’s post from yesterday got me thinking: what do I have unfinished in my life?
Answer: a lot.
Unfinished MPH applications, unmade appointments (financial, physical, hand therapy, chiropractic, and dental), uncatalogued client information, the list goes on. If you come to my house, you’ll see evidence of this unfinished business everywhere, from the receipts that need to get filed to the stacks of books, magazines, etc. Its rather depressing, actually, when I think back on the good intentions I had (set up the reading nook, keep everything organized, etc) whose associated projects have since gone down the drain.
The worst part is, at least in my case, the only one who suffers is me.
When I miss deadlines, I’m the one who, in turn, misses an opportunity, whether it is to get into a medical school (yup, the jig’s up: I missed at least 5 application deadlines last year), volunteer at Kripalu, or something else. When I forget to do something, its usually related to me and my life and my hopes, dreams, and desires. <–I guess that makes me a people pleaser? Usually it leads to more pain (like that whole needing-to-get hand therapy thing). Fact of the matter is, my memory is shot and I usually just forget, likely a result of our get-it-now society.
Actually, scratch that, I’m living in such a zoned-out, numbed state lately that I can’t possibly remember because I’m not feeling the pain (or much of anything else, if we’re being honest). I’m walking around like a zombie, tired and out-of-touch. Everyday I wake up, hoping that today will be the day I cross off those things I want to do, finish that e-course or book, or not zone out on the couch. Yet I don’t. And, truthfully, its all my choice. Lissa pointed this out last week. The quote from above has been weighing on my subconscious ever since, and I’ve been constantly questioning why am I doing what I’m doing?
Why do I waste hours mindlessly browsing the internet or watching TV when I have a to-do list a mile long?
Why do I feel so loser-ish when sitting home on a Friday night when I really do need the time to be productive?
Why, why, why?
I know that focusing on it won’t necessarily help (remember those Lessons in Non-Attachment?) but I also know that I do have to at least examine my motivation for zoning/zombieing in order to work through it. I say I feel stuck in a state of inertia, yet I’m not really doing anything to move out of that state. I have great ideas, I put my all into them for a while, and then they fizzle. I don’t want to say that I’m unmotivated, since motivation is not enough, but I also don’t want to say that I’m uninspired because the ideas are inspiring. Many of them are life-changing, for myself or others or both. They get me pumped up, energized, excited, and hopeful. They are awesome. Or they could be if I could finish them. <–does this mean I’m not a closer?
What some women do with diets, I do with motivation/inspiration/to-do lists/ideas. I gogogogogogogo and then I fall of the wagon. Then I start again…and fall off again. I figured out how to get off the diet roller coaster, but can’t seem to get off unfinished train. Yesterday, for instance, I made some progress thanks to Janetha’s posts and its reminder of the things I’ve been needing to do but haven’t. I made an appt for my yearly physical, I got the name of a hand therapist in Worcester, and I made that appt. Last Friday I finally found my voice with my MPH essay and sent it out to reviewers. I love moving forward. I’m a mover and shaker by nature (in case you didn’t figure that out) so the more I do, the more I want to do. I blame the Aries in me! The opposite, however, is also true. When I get into a state of laziness, I get stuck there too. Then it gets to the point where I’m so ashamed of being behind (because of aforementioned laziness) that I weave stories or think its too late and give up. UGH!
Maybe today is the day I’m turning things around. Maybe to start that, I need to be held publicly accountable. So here’s my to-do list…and to hoping.
- Make appt with financial adviser to sort out $$$ and get a better overall sense of my financial situation.
- Call the chiropractor to chat and/or make appt. <–this depends on how the above conversation goes.
- Take 20 minutes each day to catalog client information in order to have everyone cataloged by the end of December (yes there is a lot!).
- Edit PS and adjust accordingly for each MPH program.
- Contact each MPH program to double check my MCAT scores will be accepted.
- Send transcripts to SOPHAS and Johns’ Hopkins.
- Submit MPH applications by Dec 1.
- Figure out Google Reader so my online time can be more directed and less browsy. <–yes I just made up that word.
I’m leaving it at that by now. Honestly, it feels kind of juicy to air my dirty laundry. Now you know: I gotta get a move on and do it soon. And hopefully, through this movement forward, I’ll begin to feel unstuck, motivated, inspired, energized, and energetic. Once those apps are in I can focus on my biz surprise that’s been swept under the rug (only for the time being). That will be my next To-Finish List, coming after Dec 1.
I might go write it now just so I don’t forget…