Last week my Inner Pilot Light spoke loudly. Or rather, I listened more intently. We haven’t been this in touch since the weeks when I returned from Kripalu. And it reminded me again of the not-so-simple fact: we always know the answer, its a matter of whether we want to integrate and accept that answer as truth.
Last week my IPL <–its a girl, BTW told me to go to the doctor. I was tired, would have to take more time off from work, and didn’t want to waste the time/energy/gas/money driving to Boston 3 out of 4 consecutive days. But she insisted. And so I drove the hour and was ridiculed by the staff and frustrated with our medical system (seriously, why do you take notes and do dictations if no one reads them?!) and then I met the doctor. He was wonderful. He made me feel heard, he was reassuring (my hand and wrist bones are “beautiful” and there is no sign of arthritis, disease, or malformation! SQUEE!), and, most importantly, he treated me like a fellow intelligent human. He broke everything down for me and agreed with my decision to not undergo painful testing for symptoms that have disappeared. His being attractive didn’t hurt things either. 😉
Most importantly, though, he highlighted how far I’ve already come, a fact which I was grossly missing. During the tough weeks, all I can focus on is the pain, the deformity, and the fact that my hands no longer feel like my own. Some days I feel broken and unable to be fixed Some days I need to rely on others to open jars, chop vegetables, and dress. Some days my hands ache so much I just want to cut them off. I resent them and feel betrayed by my body which I try to treat with so much loving kindness. But fact of the matter is, my symptoms have improved consistently since wearing the super-sexy and stylish braces.
My point being, I was missing this completely. And it took a surgeon, of all doctors!, to point out that I am getting better. I wanted to hug him, kiss, him, and express undying gratitude all at once. I felt a glimmer of hope surrounding this issue for the first time in a very long time. I’m starting to believe again that one day I will be able to express my crow (which I had just started “getting” when my wrist pain grew severe) once again. I realize this is not what yoga is about, but the ability to express such strength, concentration, and peace is huge for me, a girl always on the go and who is still struggling to sit with her thoughts. Poses like these, the uncomfortable challenging ones, are what I crave because they help to ground me.
Numerous other situations have arisen this week where my IPL demanded to be heard. I listened and everything worked out. I spoke up for myself, stood my ground, and made my decisions. I got to see one of my besties (that’s us below) two days in a row, I’ll be doing everything I want to this weekend, and most importantly, I’m happy and confident in the decisions I’ve made.
Our IPL (gut, instinct, whatever you want to call it) is always there. S/he is always pointing us in the right direction but it takes courage to truly listen in. I’m still working on that as I think so many of us who’ve chosen this path are. Fact of the matter is, we spend our days doing what we “should,” and going along with asinine standards that society sets for us, even if they don’t sync with our goals, happiness, morals, and IPL. We live in our head where the IPL and Gremlin duke it out. Once focuses on faith in the Universe and in ourselves and the other is the master of fear, whether it is of society’s judgement or letting someone down. Moving away from that fight into acceptance isn’t the easiest decision, but it is the most rewarding.
Because our IPL will never lead us astray. She might lead us to obstacles and dark places but she will always guide us out, leaving us with a message or lesson so profound that we will be grateful for every hardship and tear because they have led us to our greatness and our destiny.