“I thought I was finished with this,” she mused, holding back threatening tears, tears that would show her weakness, her brokenness, her vulnerability.
This is not the portrait of a contented person.
Today was supposed to be about the next step. I was going to receive the news that I could be healed, fixed, unbroken and that each day will get easier.
I was supposed to taking the first step towards sleeping without braces, practicing without modifications, and living without pain.
I loved the therapist, don’t get me wrong. She was kind and patient and knowledgeable. And she has been here. She’s felt the pain and the anger and the betrayal She knows what its like to drive your loved ones crazy because you feel so broken that you lash out at everyone around you, to stray from sex because you feel so ashamed of what your body has become that you can’t possible imagine how someone else could find it attractive, to want to know why and how the hell can I fix it.
She’s been here – and I don’t know if its a giant blessing or a huge curse.
Because she basically told me to adapt and move on. That I’ll might never regain full function. That I’ll be modifying for the rest of my life. That this could get worse. That the EMG might be necessary because permanent nerve damage is the other option.
And right now I don’t possibly know what to think. And I don’t know who to turn to because I feel like I don’t really know anyone who would get this. And because, quite frankly, all I want right now is to throw my hands up and let someone else drive. But there’s no one around who can do that. So its back to me being on my own…as always. Or uprooting and starting again. <–really what do I have to lose?
Its times like these when I wish I could have moved back home, that I would have been able to stay sane. Or, even more, that beau and I would be together. So I could come home tonight and crumple into a ball and just heave out my feelings in tears, gulps, shakes, and gasps. But instead I’ll return to my apt, full of despair mixed with hopelessness, and sit alone.
I almost went home today but then I realized I could either numb out on my couch or numb out on my job. At least at the latter I’ll be making somewhat of a difference, offering someone the comfort I’m in desperate need of…