Oh hey there…
I still exist, believe it or not. Its just for the past month my life has been a whirlwind of awful illnesses, capstone papers and presentations, finals, job hunting, apartment hunting, and trying to celebrate without losing my mind.
But the end is near…which is exciting and scary all at the same time.
Wasn’t it just a year ago that I was living with my momma, grabbing stockpiled goodies out of boxes in the basement, driving around New England visiting friends, and spending my days sleeping, working out, eating, watching whole series of television, and working my biz?
Didn’t I just say goodbye to all my friends up in New England? Now I have to go through the same process again except with what feel like my battle buddies? So many of us have been through physical, emotional and mental hell and back this year…and no one can really understand except others who’ve gone through it. Kind of like mental illness…no one quite understands the small triumphs or the minor road bumps that turn into full blown crises except those who’ve been through it.
And didn’t I just do this damn sobbing, crying, anxiety-ridden because MD rental laws are designed to make you crazy? I’m sorry, but I need more than 24 hours to decide on an apartment. I felt HUGE pressure last year to make a choice when, in fact, I had time, and I’m trying to remember that this year when I start to freak out because certain management companies are pressuring me with phone calls and e-mails to decide. right. now.
There are apartments, we will have a place to live, and it just matters how much it fits into my idea of “good” (aka modern, bright and sunny, and downtown).
Yet here I am…steeling myself to make another move (Please Universe let this be a place of healing and connection for me, not riddled with inner demons and loneliness)…to say many many goodbyes…and to take some time to breathe and reconnect with the essence of myself…the part of me I’ve lost touch with so much this year.
I’m excited to meditate. To get back in the kitchen for hours on end. To spend my days job hunting and doing consulting work and writing about sex and teaching Zumba. To, yes, watch far too much TV. To read books about food and sex and fantastical worlds and business and leadership. To finish those trainings I bought before school. To build my business to new heights, into something that makes a lasting impact in the world. To coupon slightly maniacally. To test recipes for Lindsay’s next book. And yes, to blog all about it.
Part of me is ashamed to not have a job…it eats at me in a way that I’m actually embarrassed about. I know most of my classmates are in a similar boat, yet more and more are getting something and I keep getting
rejection redirection after rejection redirection after rejection redirection. I know good is waiting for me but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t getting impatient. Part of this, of course, is the fact that according to the government I should be making over six figures annually in order to have a “low loan burden.”
But though I’m sad and scared, I’m also letting myself feel a bit excited and hopeful. For all the reasons above and more. Because I survived. Because in the fall I was in a daze of symptoms and barely getting through each day and the spring has been about rising up from that and recovering, a process much more healing but equally difficult + draining (albeit in different ways). Because I balanced running two businesses and interning and doing classes pretty damn well this year. Because even though I lost parts of myself, I began to find them again. Slowly but surely, the only way I can.
So the end is basically here…and I’ve got a summer to job hunt and teach Zumba (3 times a week right now) and rest and LIVE. To meditate in the morning and cross train in the afternoon and spend my evenings teaching, volunteering, and learning. To explore Baltimore in new ways (and hopefully on foot). To (re)connect with those of us staying in the area. To keep on keeping on…relearning to live in the moment and be okay with just being.
I’ll keep you informed as I go…