I’m not sure where to begin this post or even how to write it. I’m worried I’ll offend or earn misplaced sympathy. But then I remember that my heart is breaking too – for my loss, the loss of a best friend, and the loss of this world.
Two Tuesdays. Two farewells.
My heart has not physically hurt this much in a long time. For much of last year, I wouldn’t let it. I’d shovel it down under one poor coping mechanism or another…then there’d be a breaking point…I’d promise not to do that again…and the cycle would begin. As I’ve worked to break this habit the emotions often have swept over me in a wave so powerful its left me shaking and gasping for breath and literally on my knees.
The last two Tuesdays have not been easy but I felt them, deep in my bones and yes, physically, in my heart. Last week, my relationship once again added the qualifier “long distance” to its title, a season that I thought had passed for good when the beau moved in earlier this year. But with this pain came joyous news – a job with an organization I truly admire.
This week, however, the pain was just raw with nothing to soothe it. I buried it for my commute. And then again for my job. And then again on my break. And one last time while teaching Zumba. The dancing, admittedly helped. Watching my students master one of the more difficult songs caused a smile to occupy my face for a few moments as I realized that we were all there for each other.
But at the end of the day, the world has lost a wonderful, beautiful soul. My dear friend lost her mom. I lost someone who supported me through hard times and continued, even from a distance, to offer inspiration, positivity, and encouragement. And the UMass community lost an incredibly compassionate and dedicated caregiver.
For all these reasons and more, I grieve.