Its been a long road. Without realizing it, I started this blog as a way to reach out to others and to help heal myself. Some part of me also hoped that my transparency would help others as well.
All of this has come true.
Let me back up. Yesterday I mentioned that I received oodles of good news this week. I held on to this news for a bit because I’ve learned over the years to really relish in and appreciate my news–good, bad, or otherwise–before broadcasting it to the world. I consider this lesson my earliest foray into the world of mindful living (also known to me as YOGA) for it was the first time in my life that I learned to stop and cherish life before broadcasting and rushing through it. Furthermore, when I did tell others, I did so consciously and by choice, telling only those closest to me who would share at the deepest level in my trials and tribulations.
So when I started to receive good news this week, I fought back my immediate desire to share it with the world. Instead I skipped out of the hospital, texting the beau as I went and calling momma later in the day. When I opened the package I admittedly called momma and beau immediately but then stopped and hugged myself, filling up with appreciation and pride before calling the others. I let myself smile and giggle incessantly, much to the chagrin of those around me (whose opinions, suddenly, didn’t matter one bit). Slowly but surely I disseminated the information more but, again, only to those who could fully share in my joy.
Yet through it all, I knew I needed to write about it. So many of you came into my journey at the mid-way point and you’ve been besides me every step of the way since. So here goes…
Saturday I rocked into half moon pose…on both sides.
Monday morning I was discharged from hand therapy.
Wednesday I received my acceptance letter from John’s Hopkins School of Public Health.
I’m moving to Baltimore in July.
In other words: I’ve arrived.
Every time I think about these things, I am filled with infinite amounts of joy, peace, and gratitude. As recently as a couple months ago, I did not truly believe that I would, or could, reach this point. Surgery was a viable and increasingly attractive option as I sought a way to end the pain, anger, sadness, and inner turmoil. I hadn’t gotten my shit together for applications. Even when things started to improve, I was still scared, living from a place of lack and waiting for the other shoe to drop. I had hope for the first time in months, yet I still was deeply wounded.
My discharge and subsequent marked the final step in my healing process. Let me repeat that: I am healed.
I’m not longer the “almost girl.” My letter from JH is so much more than a new opportunity. Its proof positive that I am worth it. Yes I know…I shouldn’t seek validation from outside sources. Yet I still do, especially when I am rejected time and time again (a pattern that extends all the way back to friggin high school applications, if you must know). My acceptance to Hopkins proves that it is time for me to take the next step…time to jump and leap and SOAR.
As for my physical issues, they are not gone. In fact, the opposite is true. But instead of being angry or questioning when enough was enough, I’ve come to accept that, fact of the matter is, I have flexible joints and there is nothing I can do to change that. Its how my beautiful body is built. I can stabilize many of them (e.g. shoulders, spine, hips) through strength training. I can make lifestyle modifications that will consciously protect the others (e.g. thumbs, wrists). I will continue eating an alkaline, anti-inflammatory diet, meditating daily, and practicing heated yoga (the heat lubricates and protects the joints) that emphasizes alignment over being the best.
Despite all this, new opportunities and doing best by my body, I’m not invincible. But I know I can overcome whatever else the Universe has in store for me. My big plans (which were to move to CT in May and shack up with the beau after 7 years of being apart and not really having a plan beyond that) have been drastically changed, a fact which presents new dilemmas. I’m re-entering school after 2 years off and going straight into an intense accelerated Master’s program at the top-rated School of Public Health. It won’t be a walk in the park.
But I know I can do it because I have the most amazing support network both among friends and family and the blogging community (that includes you, dear readers). I have my writing and this online diary to show how far I’ve come…how dreams can come true, even if we don’t really know they are dreams yet. And I have me.
To everyone who has listened or read about my journey, who has held me, comforted me, wiped my tears, and supported me, to those who offered words of encouragement and hope: I owe you a boatload of gratitude and love. Both have been filling me up since Monday…I’m literally overflowing with peace and joy and gratitude and general love for all that is around me, including the snow/sleet that New England is finally experiencing!
So from my heart to yours…
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.