2nd Week of Passion – Notes on Being a DIVA

Happy Friday!  I wanted to kick off your weekend (and mine) with a big dose of inspiration.

But first, I want to define the word “DIVA” as we Passion DIVAs use it.  The word diva <–note, all lower-case tends to have a pretty negative connotation.  But within Passion by Kait, its a positive thing.  You want to be a DIVA.  See:



Now that we got that out of the way…I want to share with you some of my favorite quotes from Passion Power 2012.  Some are about passion, some are about business, and all, at the end of the day, are about life.

I hope you are as inspired by these as I was.

On Passion Parties’ Mission, Values, and Purpose

“We know we can talk sex and intimacy without getting nasty.”

“We have always been about loving relationships.”

“We’re passionate, sexy women who help other women find their sexy.”

“A Passion DIVA is a women of influence.”  <– that’s me! 

“We’re the bible belt of the adult industry.  We don’t sell porn and we’re classy not trashy.”

“God and sex aren’t mutually exclusive.”

“[Our parties help]  make relationships stronger, keep couples together, and prevent divorce.”

Business and Sales Lessons

“We create interest in things we enjoy all the time.”

“Don’t forget your enthusiasm!”

“The only person who can turn that box into a business is you.  The only person who can stop [that…] is you.”

“Show products because you love to show them (and you love them).”

“Don’t underestimate the value of your business.”

“You have two ears and one mouth.”

Life Lessons

“Awakening the Passion Diva within is about awakening the empowered women.”

“Monogamy does not have to be monotonous.”  <–‘passionate monogamy’

“When women are happy, loved, and fulfilled […] the world is a better place.”

“When you quit growing[…] it’s over.”

“How you grow is as important as the growth itself.”

“Sexual persuasion is of no relevance.”

“You have the choice to decide not to hold on to the baggage and more and break free.”

“Live a free life.”

These are what being a DIVA is all about.  Embracing your true self, living life to its fullest, and owning and appreciating your value as a human being unlike any other.  This weekend, I challenge you to let your DIVA shine.  Just do it once..for a little bit.  Let her come through, as uncomfortable as it may be, and change the world around you.

You never know what might happen…


Kait xo


MPH Top 10 List

I haven’t talked much about Orientation yet (and probably won’t) but there was one part that stuck out to me that I wanted to share with you all.

First, a little background.  Most of the two day orientation was spent sitting in uncomfortable chairs listening to people talk.  Most of the talks were your standard, “Welcome to Hopkins.  This is the office I’m from and this is what we do and this is how to reach us.”

Aka it was pretty boring…

Others talked about graduation + becoming an alumni

….and overwhelming. 

And we spent essentially 16 hours over the course of two days learning everything there is to know about the program.

and intense. 

Needless to say, by the end of the second day we were all exhausted + drained.  After moving back into my apt on Tuesday, I started organizing my Orientation materials (you get a lot), and found my notes from one of the more engaging lectures from Monday morning.  Dr. Burke is uite possibly the goofiest, funniest speaker I’ve ever seen and I am excited that our class gets a chance to have him as a professor.  He talked primarily about building our toolbox (aka skill set) + using the amazing connections we can take advantage of as Hopkins students.

At the end of his presentation, however, he shared his “MPH Top 10”- the 10 things he wanted us to remember over the course of the next 11 months.  Since I think these generally apply to all of us in life, I wanted to share them here.

MPH Top 10

  1. Relax!  It’s intense but you can do it.
  2. Get to know your colleagues (horizontally + vertically).
  3. Decided how you are going to build your tool kit (and do it).
  4. Get outside of Hopkins.
  5. Recognize the importance of communication + communication skills.
  6. Think politically.
  7. Keep your sense of humor.
  8. Don’t stress (too much) about grades.  B’s are more than okay.
  9. Develop four mentors.
  10. DREAM.

Which piece of advice is your favorite?


Kait xo


Wednesday Revelations: Losing Focus

During one of our sessions Hillary passed along some advice she had gotten from a teacher of hers:

A bad day for your ego is a good day for your soul.

Let me tell you something.  The past couple of days have been pretty good days for my soul.

I’ve cried sobbed.  Yelled.  Blamed (myself + others).I’ve been upset in every meaning of the word.  I’ve had my joy but all-in-all, during the past couple of days its felt kind of like there’s a black cloud following me around.

In May I was lost focus.  Now I’m back on track and feeling antsy.  I went straight from enjoying the work-and-worry-free life to busting at the seams to get to Baltimore.  I’m ready to settle back into a schedule…to have a kitchen space that is all my own…that isn’t shared.  And though I’m technically back on track, my focus is turned elsewhere.  In the quiet moments my mind wanders to the future…to the great unknown that comprises my next big adventure.  So I go through the motions and I put my time and work in and I’m redeveloping my sense of time management and discipline (tangent: I feel so blessed that I can make that skill wax and wane as necessary 🙂 ) but my focus still isn’t on the target.

In other words, my focus isn’t my filter even though it should be.

Let me talk in concrete terms for a second.  In April, I had my highest month ever with Passion Parties.  I grossed over $5000.00 in sales in four little parties.  I was on top of the world.  I quit the job the I checked out of months ago and was no longer living in a space with someone whose habits and mine didn’t always sync.  Life was good.  May was set to be even better with five parties, a week in Newport, and time devoted solely to working out, watching TV, and reading whatever I felt like.

What wasn’t good, however, were my May parties.  I shook off the first.  It happens I told myself every party can’t be $1000+ even though I know my products and I are 100% worth it.  I did the same with the second.  And the third and the fourth.  Then came the fifth and sixth.  My last hopes.  I clocked over 8 hours of driving in two days…for around minimum wage.  I barely made my quota for May…the amount I need to earn each month in grad school to cover expenses.

I cried and I raged and I held a full blown pity party in my honor.  Slowly but surely other little things started to occur.  It seemed that everything I touched was turning to shit.  I felt like Icarus when he got too close to the sun.  I pouted and cursed people and was wholly not my regular self in any way/shape/form.

I reached out to my team…to my angel of fire.  I worked on my newsletter.  Then I went deeper.  I quieted my mind and I looked inside.  And I realized that though being lazy has its benefits, the loss of focus that accompanied my laziness had done nothing to serve me.  My business wasn’t thriving and neither was I.

And I realized that not only had I lost focus, I had also taken my business for granted.  I allowed myself to be pushed around.  I didn’t stand up for us. I didn’t set the standard.  And it showed…in cold hard numbers and lack of income.  All of the amazing things I’ve learned over the past few months–how I can and should ask directly for what I need, how I need to respect my biz first and foremost before I can expect anyone else to–had slipped from my mind.  I didn’t run the show and therefore the show simply didn’t run.

It was a rude awakening.  But it was a lesson my soul needed to learn.  Do I wish I could have avoided the pain?  The worry and concern that is keeping me up at night making me wonder if it will all work out next year?  Hell. yes.  But did I also need to learn the lesson?  YES.

And at the end of the day, all the crying felt pretty damn good.

When was the last time you had a good soul day?


Kait xo

Hump Day Inspiration

‘Ancient Journey’ Laura Hollick with Beast sculpture. Photo by Kevin Thom.

Earlier in the week I was catching up on e-mails from the amazing Creative Visionaries whose work I follow closely.  I had just finished completing my last Master Promissary Notes for grad school loans and unknowingly went searching my inbox for guidance, love, and support.

The Universe always gives us what we need right?

First there was Gabby Bernstein’s amazing vlog.

“My suggestion to all of you this week is to pay attention to what it is that you love about your life.  What hobbies you have that you do effortlessly?  Just witness how those effortless actions are supported by the Universe.

This message was particularly striking as I’m in the process of launching new services and products through my business.  <–Thanks Universe.  I needed that reminder!

Then there was my Buddhist quote of the day.  Note the origin of the quote, which seems a bit too coincidental given the nature of my business.  Guess Gabby’s lesson was quickly learned!

“It is crucial to know when it is appropriate to withdraw our attention from things that disturb our mind. However, if the only way we know how to deal with certain objects is to avoid them, there will be a severe limit as to how far our spiritual practice can take us.” ~Lama Thubten Yeshe, Introduction to Tantra

And finally there was my weekly e-mail from Laura Hollick (the inspirational sexpot pictured above).  Usually her e-mails include a short note and a link to a quick but powerful video.  This week?  No video.  So I kept scrolling…right on down to the picture.  And the quote under it:

Take the journey to be who you are born to be.

Just do it.  Throw away the sails.  Follow your heart.  Live your Passion.  Reflect.  Go within.  Feel your pain.  Better yet, feel your joy.  Question.  Examine.  Know it can and does get better.  Don’t settle.  Your dreams are waiting for you to own them.  Go ahead…grab ’em.

I’m right there with you sister…lets take this journey together.  Won’t you join me?


Kait xo

On Values, Balance, and Alignment


I’m happy to report that my tummy troubles are mostly cleaned out.  I guess I just felt the need to take spring cleaning to another level!

Ok…the sometimes-witty-sometimes-awful poop jokes will stop now, promise!  😉

All-in-all, I am super proud of myself for stopping to recognize and honor that my body needed a rest.   This is a lesson that definitely grew out of my injury as I learned to ask for what I need, even of myself.

Anyway, today I want to talk a bit more about values, something, quite frankly, I don’t think about very often.  On my weekly coaching call last night, I mentioned my tummy troubles to Hillary and she basically stopped me right then and there and was like, “WHOA girl…tummy stuff is always emotional.”

HUH?!  I thought this was just about the fiber…  what the hell is she talking about?

So we worked through it and chatted and went over by close to 30 minutes and it was wonderful and beautiful and she gave me new exercises to put into practice to address these issues and so on.  At the end, she asked if there was anything I needed…I brought up balance, something I struggle with in a mental and emotional sense albeit not physically.  <–I find it fascinating when there is a discrepancy between my physical and energetic states!  And she said one sentence that blew my mind with its simplicity and raw truth: Balance comes from alignment.


It is easy to see how this manifests physically, especially if you’ve ever attempted something like Warrior III.  But I didn’t see how it manifested energetically in other areas of our lives.  Hillary mentioned something about values but until this morning, I could not grasp the lesson.

I began the day with one of the exercises Hillary asked me to complete: drawing a pie chart of my life.  I drew the circle, listed the ten things to put it in and got to work divvying it up.  I let my heart guide the pen rather than my hand.  At the end I looked down, feeling proud of my work, only to realize that not only was it severely out of balance, I had not made room for everything on my list.  Things like future tripping and reading blogs have a huge chunk of my time while family and friends barely have slivers.  My Passion biz didn’t even make it on the chart.  This both broke my heart and showed me how accurate the chart reflected my current state.  As I focused my attention and awareness on this chart and how I could bring it into more balance (dare I say, “fix it”?), the word values rose from my heart.  So many lessons that I have heard and read and so many things I’ve been told bubbled to the surface as the lesson became clear.

Our lives are in alignment not when everything is going perfectly, but when we are living in accordance with our deepest values.  And so it is true that from this alignment and this alignment only, can we find balance.

I turned inward to examine my values and from this examination I drew a new pie chart, one that put no one person or activity above the other, recognizing and acknowledging the Tantric/Spirit Junkie teaching that we are all one. I grabbed markers and highlighters and colorful pens and let creativity and the Universe flow through me.  Encircling the circle are my most important values, things like simplicity, integrity, willingness, love, and peace.  I left two areas free, designating them “Miscellaneous” in recognition of the fact that this pie chart is not a static drawing, but rather a living, breathing, changing force.

The new chart looks less like the pie from your family dinner, where everyone chaotically asks for different size pieces, and more like a wheel, a hot pink,  functional wheel that has the power and the know-how to keep the bike steady.  Surrounded by the things I need and respect the most, this is a wheel that will never let me down.  It will keep moving forward, it will hold me up, and it will allow me to find balance.

This is the wheel of my life.  I cannot control everything, but I can control my mind and how I react and where I place my energy. I cannot control those or the world around me, but I can make a commitment to living in alignment with these values, knowing that they may change over time as I myself grow and change and learn and continue awakening.  This is not a static image–what circle ever is?–but rather one that will flow and grow and shrink and rotate and dance along with the ebbs and flows of my life.

Life is a journey and this is vehicle I’m choosing to travel it on.


Kait xo

Week of Passion – Final Thoughts

First of all, I just want to say a big giant happy HELLO to all the meals&moves bloggers who are popping over here after reading my guest post.

Secondly, our week of Passion, like all good things, is coming to an end.  😦  We’ve talked Chippendales, Tushies, Orgasms, Passion Pantry Staples, and more!  I’ve had so much fun doing this week and I definitely play on including more posts about Passion here on the blog.  After all, it is part of what brings beauty into my life.  <–yea you see what I did there?!  😉

Before we end, I wanted to share some final, personal thoughts about Passion.  On Wednesday evening I did the first of a series of 12 coaching calls with the ahmazing Hillary Rubin and a few of things came to clarity for me with regards to my Passion.

The thing is, to me Passion isn’t just about sex.  Yes sex is a huge part of it for many people and certainly when we consider its popular use.  But to those of us committed to its cause, Passion is about so so much more.

Its why this was a week of Passion and not a week of sex.  Its why I chose the term “Sensuality” rather than “Sexuality” to describe the type of education and coaching I do in my business.  Its why I’m pursuing an MPH in women’s and reproductive healthy and a PhD in sex therapy.

Passion is about coming into your body and fully experiencing the moment, the joy, and the bliss of using it in whatever way you consciously desire.  You can do this through sex; unfortunately, I’ve learned too many women do not.  <–why I know my skills are needed  You can also do this through dance, yoga, running, singing, painting…really any physical experience where you can 100% just let go and feel the pleasure of life and the moment you’re in course through each and every cell (thank you nitric oxide).

Passion, and its relative sensuality, look different for everyone.  But what they have in common is the resulting feeling of bliss.  One of the activities Hillary and I completed on last night’s call was to determine how I wanted to feel each day and what steps I could take to do so.  I don’t remember which feeling we were going over but at one point I started rhapsodizing about finding your way into “that” yoga pose (yogis and yoginis you totally know what I mean here).  I said something along the lines of the following:

“When you find your way into that pose…that one maybe you’ve been struggling to connect to or just don’t like.  And you are just totally out of your head and into your body and its just pure bliss and joy and there’s no just better feeling because you’re fully connected and engaged and in the moment…except an orgasm.  Yea add that to the list.  It’s just, mmm, the BEST feeling in the world.

That, ladies and gents, is Passion.  And this is mine.  Empowering others through sensuality education & coaching brings endless joy into my life.  Its my way of healing others.  I might not be a doctor (now or ever…we’ll see!) but the changes I can help others invite into their relationships, well those can be just as lifesaving.  Because our physical bodies aren’t just a collection of numbers (weight, height, blood pressure, cholesterol, iron level, etc, etc, etc) but rather highly complex, energetic beings that require so much more than food + water + shelter (sorry Maslow) to live in our optimum state.  We need laughter and love and Passion and something to fight for<–And at the end of the day, aren’t those really all the same things?

You might have absolutely loved the departure from the norm I took this week.  Or it might not have been your cup of tea at all.  Regardless, I hope you felt my pure enthusiasm and joy and, yes, Passion, stream through each and every word.  And if you take nothing else away from this week…if this is the first and last post you ever read here…take this: find your Passion, commit to it, practice it often, and shout it shamelessly from the rooftops.

Its yours to own and no one else’s.  You think my smile would be this big otherwise?


Kait xo

Week of Passion – Behind-the-Scenes at Convention 2012

Welcome to the first ever Week of Passion!

Each day I’m going to cover a different topic related to Passion Parties, our Convention, or Passion in general.  I’ve only written about my biz a handful of times so I’m excited to explore this topic in more depth with all of you.

Today I’m going to give you a behind-the-scenes look into convention!  I’m secretly hoping some of you maybe so impressed that you say, “Hey girlfriend…I want that lifestyle!  Sign me up!”  Ok…secret’s out!

This year’s Convention theme was “Get the Party Started”  and party we did!  Having just finished my cleanse, I didn’t do too much drinking because I knew a) my alcohol tolerance would be nonexistent, b) my sugar tolerance is dooown, and c) I wanted to fit into my clothes come Wednesday.  <–I learned that last one the hard way last year.  😦  Even more, I wanted to prove to myself that I could mostly stick to my healthy habits while on the go and in situations where I wasn’t in control of the food choices.

Sunday was our annual team costume party and I happily enjoyed my Avocado Slush (see below).  One of our leaders’ hubbies went as Snow White (yes you read that correctly) and we were all his dwarves.  I was more wood nymph but hey…my legs look good.

Chaos 1

Chaos 2

Eventually we all made our way up to the hotel’s rooftop club (talking our way in since we definitely weren’t in dress code) where we proceed to tear up the dance floor, PP style!

Monday was our first of two awards dinner where Corporate honors new leaders in the company plus others who’ve reached milestones with their sales and/or sponsoring.  AKA we get fed a catered meal and spoiled with goodies like diamonds and iPads.  Oh and these hunks come for a visit!


Not sure who I'm sassing here...

Tuesday was our annual team trip to Freemont St.  This is in old Vegas and has the largest screen in the world.  There’s also a zipline, lots of casinos, a McDonald’s, Krispy Kreme, and, oh wait, places to get ginormous drinks.  Highlights from this year included getting kicked out of McDonald’s for having alcohol, performing ridiculous dares (see below), and, of course, dancing on the bar at Hogs & Heifers.  Did I mention that we have party buses as transportation?  Oh yea…forgot about that!  😉

Waiting for the buses!

My dare? Teach 3 people a dance!

Cotton Eyed Joe it is then!

Thanking them...or just showing off my bum? 😉

Tehe  And, of course, Wednesday was our big awards dinner: Night of the Stars.  We celebrated the best of the best on Wednesday…and more ridiculousness ensued, of course.

Wednesday night post-dinner we all just hung in our pjs and ate junk food and did team bonding.  I might have consumed too much Jack Daniels…but just maybe.  😉  I think I slept for a total of 20 hours the entire time…when you only see your team once per year, you make the most of every loving + blissful second together.

During the days, when I wasn’t walking to Chinatown for those slushes + veg food, we trained with leaders in the field such as Dr. Sadie Allison (look for my review of her latest book this week!) and Dr. John Gray (author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus) as well as the fabulous Alison Levine.  All three were incredibly dynamic, engaging, and informative.  Don’t let Dr. Gray’s geeky appearance put you off –  we all had crushes on him by the end of the speech!  Both Sadie and Alison are hot little tickets who are kicking ass and taking names while showing that you can be powerful and sexy.  Yes I just wrote that.  Haha

And of course there was the Breakthrough Experience with Brian Biro.  This is the last formal activity we share as a company and it is, by far, the most powerful.  I sobbed last year when it was my turn to break my (1-in, solid wood) board and again this year as I realized just how much of Brian’s lessons and my experience had manifested unknowingly in my life over the past year.  Its incredibly empowering, inspiring, and life-changing.  You literally see people transform before your eyes. 

To this day my board sits on my dresser with my zipline wristband pinned through it (fear of flying breakthrough).  Clearly these are my photos from last year…the experience is far too intimate to share for others.  Lots of tears and absolutely unforgettable.  If you ever have the chance to train with Brian, do not pass it up for anything.  Oh and I am taking full bragging rights and letting you know I broke that SOB on my first try.  I won’t, however, tell you what overwhelming fear I broke through.  Lets just say less than 1 year later, Hopkins came in and proved that my journey is complete, for now.

I hope you enjoyed this little peek into the biggest party of the year!  Since I missed Monday, I’ll be putting up my book review a little later today so stay tuned!


Kait xo

Thoughts on fear

I refuse to capitalize it and thus give the word more powerful than its worth.

Its a manipulative tricky a**hole.  Sometimes its obvious…you know, the heart-pounding, breath quickening, frozen in one spot fear.  Other times it manifests as mental self abuse.

Sometimes it rouses its friend the Gremlin and taunts “Hey let’s remind her that she’s different!  That she can’t overindulge just-that-once b/c it’ll show up on her hips/stomachs/ass/thighs the next day…that she cares about things like proper alignment and has stopped wearing heels as a result..that its beyond difficult to find clothes that will fit her strangely shaped body…tehehe lets put those reminders on both track and cd repeat!”

Sometimes you find yourself sobbing on the floor of your apartment, commando, clothes scattered about, sobbing uncontrollably because you’re fat, ugly, not good enough, not pretty enough, not creative enough, not fun enough, not sexy enough.

When really you are just scared of the unknown.

Last year was so amazing…is it possible for this year to live up?  You broke a board for God’s sake but you had those you know the most there to support you.  This year, you’ll be watching when in reality, the scary truth that you hate to even admit to yourself nevermind the world is that you need to break that board again, injured wrists and all.  You need that proof because the memories just aren’t cutting it.  And because you’ve grown tremendously but also backtracked and you just need it.

Two weeks ago you were looking slim and sexy…now your legs are tree trunks and your stomach looks like you’re 4 months pregnant. <–note: arbitrary length of time chosen there.  Seriously…who knew thighs could spread out this much?  And where did my abs/calf/arm muscles go?  How did they disappear so quickly?

Like I said, mental self abuse.

And as you are laying (lying?  I never know the damn difference so someone help a girl out…) there with these thoughts burning through your head and your face smooshed into the most likely hasn’t been cleaned in a month or more carpet another voice comes up and says, “wait a second…do you realize how ridculous this all is?”

All of a sudden there’s a sassy thirteen year old (or gay best friend…you choose) talking back to the mean girl.

She says, “So what? they love you for you!”
She says, “Go look at that block…let the feelings of joy overwhelm you.”
She says, “This too will pass….remember Lissa wrote that the average feeling only last 90 sec.”
She says, “You’re not perfect and its ok.”
She says, “You are good enough, pretty enough, smart enough.”
She says, “There will be someone else there who is fatter than you…and you’ll think she looks prettier and she will because she thinks so.”
She says, “Change is good…and its not like you’ll be alone.”
She says, “Its about spending time together, not having the best outfits.”
She says, “Remember how effing ridiculous they all are?!  That is why you love them…that is why you feel at home among them.  Because they are your tribe.”

The tears stop flowing.  The anger diminishes.  She knows they will love her.  She’s learned she can self-comfort.  The tree trunks are still there but she’s at peace.

After all, it was only fear talking.

Wednesday Revelations: For the Rejected Among Us

Monday evening I posted the above photo to facebook with the following caption: “It only took 6 years and 23 applications…”

It blew up newsfeed apparently because in about 12 hours it had over 50 likes plus numerous comments.

Then Tuesday, while listening to The Voice at work I had a revelation.  Yes…I had a paradigm-shifting experience while watching reality TV.  Who woulda thunk it?

What about those who didn’t get in and who didn’t win?  What about the rejected?

And I immediately thought back to the picture and the caption and sent a little prayer/love note/universal hug to every person whose letter from JHSPH didn’t start with, “Congratulations…”  I held them in my heart and whispered words of encouragement and hope and love.  Because I have been there…21 times in the last two years and numerous more in the last 6.  I’ve been the “almost” girl more times than I can count and had started joking that I would fail miserably in the dating scene because, clearly, I’m a terrible closer.  😉

This is the time of year where acceptances start rolling in.  And in our moments of glory and pride and relief and joy and pure happiness, we forget that for every one of us, there are countless others who’s dreams have been squashed.  Who call their best friend as soon as they see that small envelope waiting in the mail pile and beg her to drive across the state at 11 at night with cookies and hugs.  Who are broken with pain, with diminishing hope, with inertia and boredom and fear and anxiety and pure disappointment.  Whose beliefs in themselves are being shaken.  Who are starting to think they aren’t worth it.

This post is for you.

On the night I received my rejection letter from Einstein, the last med school I was waiting to hear from, I wrote the following (ironically, found days before I received my Hopkins letter):

“My roommate left the envelope in plain site.  We both had been eagerly, hopefully awaiting the news.  I did not let its’ small size get me down since others had mentioned their good news had been packaged in that way.  Moments later I felt as if I had been ripped apart from the inside.  Every failed attempt, every forgetting obligation, every “No” I had ever heard roared through my body, filling me with despair, regret, death.  I welcomed the emptiness that followed many hours of the deepest pain I had ever felt.  This surely was personal….there is no way it could not be.  Something had to be wrong with me for I had failed yet again.  My asthma flared up, my heart raced, and I had never been so happy for my isolation as in that moment…

We make plans.  We organize our lives around these plans and let them influence what we see when we look ahead in time.  Then the Universe, or God, or whatever higher entity you choose to believe in, steps in to say, “Hold on.  Take a step back.  Let’s rethink this situation.” and we find ourselves broken, faithless, and questioning.  Those of us who consider ourselves optimists try to find a deeper meaning in the situation, hoping that good will eventually come…after all, it should be our turn by now.  So we jump back into action mode, a little late in the game, and start moving forward.  But in those dark moments when we find ourselves alone in our apartments or in the stage between wake and sleep, the gremlins in our mind begin to sneak in and remind us that we are not worth it, that we were rejected for a reason, and that we will never be good enough.

Day in and day out we move along, maintaing a smiling face and being productive.  We tell others that we are “Good” out of habit rather than truth, and never reveal the feelings of inadequacy that threaten to overwhelm us at any given moment.  We find ourselves more prone to crying when we read medical charts and start to question whether medicine is even our correct path.  For those of us who are empathetic to a fault, a season of rejections is traumatizing.  We replay every interview and reread every application, trying to discern wherein lies our fault.  We pretend that we are coping when in reality we feel lost, uncentered, and off-balance.

We begin the process of reapplying and wonder if its even really worth it.”

For me, those feeling plagued the rest of 2011.  You know…you’ve been reading along with me.  Because, for me, it wasn’t just one season of rejection letters but years.  It was a pattern. And it hurt like hell.

So I get you, the rejected, the lost, the broken.  I’ve been you more times than I wish.  And my advice is this: feel your hurt.  Let the rage and angst course through you, overwhelm you, fill you up, and break you.  Scream, sob, snot, heave, cuddle your pets, have angry sex, punch the wall, break a glass.  Do what you need.  Let yourself go numb for a while…then channel those emotions into creating something.  Write, draw, bake, dance, run.  Let others help you.  <–I know how hard this is. Don’t hide from your emotions, but rather let them fuel you.  Reassess, do some soul searching, try to find the teaching moment.

I know now that I needed another year.  I thought last year I had it all but that was before the injury, before yoga became a spiritual practice infused in my everyday life, and before I could even realize that it was not my time.  No way could I have dealt with medical school + my wrist situation.  So in a twisted way, I am grateful.  <–never saw that coming last year!

And for those who have received that long awaited acceptance: CONGRATUFRICKINGLATIONS!  Celebrate, revel, rejoice.  And when you find a moment of quiet (for me it took a couple days), place your hands on your heart and think kindly of those who were not as lucky.  Send them your love and your encouragement and whisper words of hope and comfort and peace.  Know that I am not telling you to feel bad or guilty because you got in and so many others didn’t.  Instead, I’m asking that you acknowledge your luck and fortune and hard work, be grateful, and be mindful.  Scream it from the rooftops but do so with love.


Kait xo

P.S. For those wondering about the picture…the science department at my alma mater, Stonehill College, has a success board in the main lobby of our science center.  When people are accepted to schools or programs, we get our names on the board…its a huge honor and accomplishment and something we all hope to accomplish over the course of our time there.  🙂